The asshole title to this post was...
Accepting the down side to extreme brain lateralization: how prosodic and visual inclinations just aren't enough.

I struggle with planning and wanting to not. I just do. My mind is organic and works well under pressure. Throw me in the middle of a problem or situation at hand, and watch me visualize it and work directly through. But sit me down in front of Quickbooks with plans and great intentions, and watch me come up with a reason to procrastinate even starting properly. Aside from some of the more technical minds I've met that handle this with ease, I've noticed a subset of tattooers that are the same way I am. We're visual and we're good at it. But we feel stupid when anything requires linear reasoning.

It's my struggle. Where much of it is natural, I also carry some baggage that effects my outlook. Gonna get personal real quick... I was cracked open for open heart surgery at 9 months. My dad died at 6 (a terrible person, so it ended up being a good thing). By the age of 16 I had moved about 18 times. My mother was absolutely incredible, so I have a foundation, but I also have a penchant to not know what's next. So I live for the day... because tomorrow may not even happen. Now, I see how planning for what's next would make sense. But the way my brain is wired, mixed with my baggage, has directed me to live in the moment, the day, or maybe even - at it's extent - a month.

There is a beauty in living for the moment and my boy teaches me such. Every time we walk to the park, I'm intent on reaching the actual park (it's my destination). But Xavier enjoys the walk to the park as much as actually being at the park. He has no destination other than to enjoy, period.

I'm no fool though. I see the folly in my take. I'm raising a child and figuring out how to balance a burgeoning career. I'm in love with my baby boy in Chicago and I'm in love with a woman in Baltimore. For me to not only exist, but to do so and flourish will require something of which I'm not made of. It'll require calculation, estimation, and even fact retrieval. Damn.

So does living for the day transfer into managing daily appointment requests, having two calendars in two cities, balancing a checkbook, scheduling weekly flights, paying child support and bills, and still being a loving/attentive parent and an effective romantic?

It doesn't work at all. I fail often!

And I know I could simplify things and life would be less hectic. My heart would be split, but I'd figure out a way to be okay and life would go on. But honestly, even if I simplified and left all people I knew behind, I'd still struggle scheduling and balancing a checkbook. Sure, I'm an adult and have a semblance of these skills. But I also know my mind and recognize a hang up.

I want my relationships to flourish and my art as well. So I've been slowly learning to prioritize. Where before I didn't have a mental checklist, now I'm trying to process actions a little differently.

The next posts, over a few weeks, will try to zoom in on mental changes I'm trying to make and highlight both mistakes and revelations along the way.

I truly feel like I'm starting to understand some things. As much as I'm able to articulate, I'm beginning to stop myself and realize the nuances of this craft are truly hard to put into words. So I'll do what I can and zoom in on some thoughts, lessons, and revelations:

Lining works when you know it'll work. Well, within reason. What I mean is that once the subtleties and finesse come through occasionally, it can all be harnessed when known it can. The mind works like this.

Just as the mind works; there's also a margin of error to be calculated to make it do so effectively. Often I'll be dead on in my head, but the result is slightly askew. I'm learning how to correct that by finding the mean. For example: I'll feel strong and sure about using my 7 liner. So much so that I foresee the solid line in firm. But upon pulling the line, it'll be slightly weak (visibly not as dense as it should be). Be it skin conditions, machine voltage, or whatever, I quickly adjust and figure out how to compensate. Sometimes it may mean telling myself to pull slower and think meaner. After a few lines, I'll start to understand what I should do and even think differently the entire tattoo... whatever works. It's a relationship really.

Clients have more influence than they think. I may pride myself in manner and courtesy, but if a client comes in concerned or with negative thoughts, the process is definitely effected. I don't like to admit it, but this is an ebb and flow. A lot of what I do is translation. I hear what you're saying and I'm making choices. How much of what I translate do I keep for you to attach yourself to the tattoo? And how much of my understanding to apply to my version of your vision? Or, hell... do I just exert myself and apply more of my vision than usual? All of this is dependent on my reading of you. I should post more about this sometime. It's complicated, but I really enjoy the topic.

Trust coupled with doubt is healthy. I know what I can do. But I don't know why something is the way it is. What I mean is that I've heard certain "absolutes" from artists. And some of them make sense. But why are things that way? Test, test, test. And not just that kind of thing. Question everything. It's great to know where you stand and why you stand there.

On that note, the most obvious breakthroughs I've achieved have been by mistake. One situation led to another which led to trying something different... and suddenly a break through. So looking for it, doesn't seem to work for me. But knowing it's there and being able to recognize it does.

Oh, oh. I can put on a stencil really well now. It'll still take another try or so sometimes, but the quality of each stencil is solid. I love Stencil Stuff. But even without, doing the daily grind has taught me how saturated the skin should be with certain products. I'll smoothly apply and work it to the spot that gives me about five seconds of drying time.

So most of what I consider a change or positive alteration has not happened suddenly. This may seem obvious. But time has slowly drawn me closer to being a craftsman. As much as I've wanted to push what I see into what I tattoo, the ability to have fundamental skills and control what's happening is much more important. Once that's developed, the tools will be in place to do whatever the hell you see fit.

Yes, I'm tattooing! And I realize my schedule seems all over the place. So I'll be posting the current month or so over on the sidebar. I'm always trying to make extra time within the schedule for more tattoos. So even if I'm booked, I may be able to work something out. (especially if I like the idea)

I've no problem admitting a struggle. It's just an unusual profession where concealing problems makes sense. As confident as I am, I make mistakes. I have so much to learn.

I was worried. Immediately I attributed it to the big change in my schedule. That maybe all the traveling and less time spent tattooing was directly effecting my work. It made sense, but it's not really like me. So I asked around and did some research... what was the difference? Why an uphill battle now... three years in?

I even called my buddy Monte. It went something like this...

"So, Monte, I'm having troubles, man. Like out of nowhere."
"What's that?"
"Either I'm completely lost, or I'm chewing people up."
"Hahaha. Good!"
"Good?"
"Yeah good. Assholes like you just come in and are doing well off the bat. You need a little struggle."
"That's great advice, thanks."

We talked some more but the only thing that stuck was his, "good". It helped me to look at the situation differently. I was in the middle of progress. It was up to me to change, learn, push myself or plateau.

Once my attitude changed, my search for answers was more effective. I had to deconstruct and go back to how I had learned. I was raised on 9 mags and 5 rounds. So I went back. I had only used Kuro Sumi outlining ink, even for my wash. Had my hand movements changed? Absolutely. Figuring that out was tedious. How was I running my machine? I'm sure it was different. Obviously, there were so many variables.

Was I staying in a spot too long? Before that wasn't a problem.

I was getting closer. But still wasn't absolutely sure. Then I read an old interview with Guy Aitchison. He had been tattooing awhile and, based on a quick conversation with somebody, Guy realized his needle depth wasn't right. Instantly it made sense to me.

My shading happens with washes, hand speed, movement, and needle depth. Slowly, over time, I've pulled out of the skin more and more. The next day I left more needle out. My machine hits kindly, so the extra depth was okay.

Thankfully, the change was instant. The answer was simple, but the process getting there was a challenge. I was tattooing deeper and the skin was holding it. Redness was minimal and fades were smooth. To top it off, that tattoo came back two weeks later and it had already peeled with no scabbing. The shiny new skin was on its way to strengthening.

It's behind me now, thankfully. But I look forward to my next lesson...

(Oh and no tattoos suffered during this time, just the healing process sucked)